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It still amuses me that people are actually going to 'see' through the scenes to my inner world of thinking. I am not good - in fact very bad - at presenting myself to people, therefore usually people take me to its extreme, either hate me or love me. Many would think I am a talented young boy who doesn't treasure my gifts, or some would think I am living in my own fantasies being fake to people... Doesn’t matter. Recently one of my friends said we are defined by the people around us, but I think it's more important how we answer to our souls.

I am an intentionalist. I believe its how we answer to ourselves at the end of the day that matters. consequentially I may have hurt a lot of people back many times. Well, maybe sometimes i meant them. =P perhaps out of frustration or immaturity. yet at least I 'hope' i didn't want to. Mix feelings of strong personality, confusion, lack of direction, immaturity in ideas, (parental) influences may be good excuses? Ha-ha... self-evaluating my teenage life is painful, there were so many undesirable decisions that i have made. I must say I hated how I dealt with people but yet I also treasure these mistakes for bringing myself to who I am. grudges.

I hate myself for being crowned as "talented" or even "genius" which firstly, are not true; and secondly, destroyed my childhood. Implicated by Chinese astrology, I believe everyone has his own path and destiny. Imagine what would happen if my mum didn't register me and my siblings with that piano teacher, but instead took me to a math class and my father trained me like he did to my piano - 2 hours at lunch and perhaps a little more at night. then entering me to competitions and kept crowning achievements. To the extend that it becomes the only topic for 10 years on the dining table. now you may say I am superficial and don't understand what competitions have brought to me. but if you do the same competition at February and March for 10 years in your childhood, then you may have the sympathy.

Competitions did give me motivation. it was 'very cool' and satisfying to achieve some little thing when you were 8. But it also subtly forced me to play the music for the wrong reason. I must say I am also fortunate to have been in the competitions. They brought me to realize its meaningless destruction to one's music earlier than other people. Ha-ha at least my father is obsessed with it, still.

So, one may be a billionaire, artist, janitor, lawyer, doctor, beggar, whatever. For me it depends great deal on personality, background and education. somebody might just got bad luck and achieve nothing in his life, but just another classmate in your F1 class may be the most 'successful' man. Isn't God unfair? I was confused into tears in front of the camera because of that in that interview in Czech 8 years ago. I remember right before I went to Czech I saw a bunch of people chasing after a thief on the street in Bangkok. The poor thief was half naked, skinny like me (oh well), climbing up one of the oldest buildings trying to escape from justice perhaps because he stole 30 bucks for food. I was literally shocked. one hour earlier I was practicing the piano and I never knew that there is so much tragedy, unfairness and sadness in this world. I simply didn't understand it.

So after years of inner conflict, I have realized it doesn't matter who we are, but what we are. Maybe that poor guy is destined to steal those 30 bucks. I am destined to be dumped by the same person 3 times in a row; Mozart was destined to be the greatest prodigy ever. Yet I do believe in fairness out of all these chaos. I am convinced that under the unlimited varieties in this world, God don't simply judge us by whether we 'explicitly' "put our faith in God" nor do the "right" thing. But I believe he looks at how we grow upon our sincerity. and be true to ourselves as human being.

I don't believe in Heaven. Because I believe we are all living in Heaven already. We are just blindfolded by our immature human nature, too foolish to admit.

Hope those who have watched KJ like it. You guys are lucky as I haven't watched it myself.